So I signed on to check my "Friends Page" and NO ONE HAS BEEN POSTING! :(

I really don't have much to say because nothing much goes on in my life, but I keep getting the "why don't you update more?" so I will try. I have been thinking about going back to school. I really liked school, but have the problem of not having any idea what I want my degree in. I had thought that I wouldn't be going back for a while because we were going to have a kid. Since that isn't going to work out I need some sort of goal to work towards, so school seems like a good idea. Anyone have any suggestions? I have taken a lot of the aptitude surveys but they always say go for anything.... pieces of crap. Let's see... the highlight of the month is I finally got Adam his Wii. I had to call everywhere everyday for a month but finally got one 7am at Walmart in Lindon... yay me! Really late birthday present for him... but hey... I tried very hard. Oh and I might be getting a job at the Walmart in AF, they need a photographer and they want me.... now I just have to think it over. Umm... if I think of more I will let you all know.

Well let's see. I finally went to see a mental health provider. I have been putting it off for a long time. I know that it is not wrong to get help, it just I never wanted to need to get help so I always tried to run away. Then I got all sorts of tested over a 3 or 4 hour period. After many many questions and many 7-8 tubes of blood later they told me that I am bipolar. I still don't know what I think about that. It would explain a lot. But it is still weird for someone you just met to say out of the blue 'oh by the way you are bipolar, here is your medication that you will be on the rest of your life'. This also puts the kids thing on the back burner again. I have to be on birth control with this medication. Eventually I can switch to another one when we get ready to conceive and then switch back to this one for the last trimester so that the postpartum doesn't do me in. I don't think I have taken this all in yet. So I guess we will see how this goes. On the happier side I loved the Halloween Party. I totally let myself go, and had a blast. And totally got plastered, which I am sure none of you noticed lol. I didn't get any pre-plastered pictures but Adam got some of me once he got me home. And even drunk I wouldn't go to bed until I got that crap out of my hair. So he wouldn't let me shower due to I couldn't stay standing up that long thing. So I filled the tub, and with his supervision soaked it out. And I still managed to flood the bathroom twice and he cleaned it up both times. He is a good man. lol he also took some pictures.... most would not be good to post online... but one is so here is the only evidence of my Halloween fun:

Well again I post very spread apart. I don't mean to but sometimes life gets too busy to even get online. Let's see what has been going on in life thus far... I have been getting shots in my neck to help me with my migraines... ewww and very ouch... though next week should be the last two that I will ever need again... YAY! I have lost count of the number of them that I have had but they are $120.00 each. But so far I think they have been working. We decided to go to this extreme when I passed out giving myself huge rug burns down the whole right side of my body... including my face. Very pretty... what every girl dreams of right? I have finally set up an appointment for therapy.... I have known that I need it but never wanted to go. Adam finally won and I go for my first appointment Thursday. Um... what else... Oh Adam's Mom needs a kidney transplant. At least in this I can be helpful since my Dad had to go through all of this so I have experience. Um.. kid front.. Adam's count is low but trying to get him to see the urologist has been a challenge... since it sounds like they think there is a blockage that they will have to go in and fix... so all you men out there can understand his leeriness over something going on in there. My Mom is a nut case... but lets face it? Who didn't know that one? Um... good things... I got the car all ready to pass emissions and safety. We should be getting back our money on our extended warranty... still chasing that one... almost a full time job... but damn it! I will get my $1800.00 back! I am totally excited for Halloween, my most favorite holiday ever... though I may not have a costume... being broke and all... so sorry Shade... I will try to think of something for us but we may just come as we are... Well I think that that is about it. If I think of anything else I will let everyone know. Oh and I now have short hair... I like it lots!

Adam and I have been trying to have a kid since we got married, so far no luck. I have been going to the doctor and taking some of the most painful and humiliating tests of my life. And then they told me after this amazingly nauseating and pain-filled test he ran 4 times to make sure his results were right, he said that my tubes were closed and we were never going to have children. Then he set me up for another test at the hospital. Worst moment in my life. I came home crying and Adam texted me to see how the test went and I told him I couldn't talk about it yet. I walk in the door and there he is, he wasn't supposed to be home. I just lost it completely and then Adam did too. I have never heard something so heart rending as his sobbing. I get up in the morning and go for the other tests. This one was kind of like the last one that I was already completely sore from. So they get started and I listen to the doctor tell me what he is doing and what he is seeing. This time he said the tubes were open and everything was working the way that is was supposed to. And I was just sitting there numb and confused. I demanded to see what he was looking at and have him tell me what the hell was going on. We looked and the test was indeed showing everything was fine. I told him what the last doctor said and he thought that the previous tests probably opened everything and that was part of why I was in so much pain. So I go home and I call Adam and told him. Neither of us knew what to believe anymore. We talked to the first doctor after he got the results and he confirmed it. It took a little while to not be numb anymore. So it sounds like it's Adam's turn again for testing. Here's to hoping his don't get spazzed out like mine did. So there is my venting for now. What the hell is up with doctors and playing with your emotions?!

So the bad luck just seems to keep coming. My Mom fell down her stairs last night and tore ligaments in her knee and broke her foot. While earlier in the day I was having my big toes toenail ripped out by my doctor. Yay for infections and fevers! So now I am just kicked back with my loritab for my messed up toe and an antibiotic. So if anyone has any good luck please send it my way. Well more my Moms. I think she needs it more. The old car that was my Dads is broken again. Yay. I promise to think of something positive to write later.
Love you all and miss you!

When you work in the middle of the night I think that it skews everything else. I am glad that I finally got an internet phone and a plan that lets me do what I want. It is hard to find things to keep you entertained without it. So up dates. The 4th was a blast. We had tons of fireworks... both illegal and legal. Yesterday I had to help my Mom go through all of my Dad's clothes. She wasn't much help. Now all that is left is to go through his office. No one tells you that you have to do these things. I guess it should be something you just expect but I wasn't. Josh and Mel (my brother and his wife) are 10 weeks and 2 days pregnant. Other news... oh ya my Mom totaled her car. That was fun dealing with let me tell you... I think that is everything new. I miss you all!

He isn't normal in any sense of the word. I don't think that I would have done well with anyone who was. He just came in from the bedroom because he had a nightmare and needed me to hold him and calm him so he could go back to sleep. Sooo cute. Wierd... but cute, it still makes me smile. And he freaking cracks me up. He does the most random things, like singing and dancing around the house. Things that if you didn't know him well enough you would never see. LOL glad I got a compatable and entertaining mate.

Well everything is said and done. My Dad is gone. The harshness of it comes in waves. I will totally forget that he is gone for a heart beat only to have it come crashing back into me. Adam has already been through all of this with his Dad and been my most valued counselor. I really don't think I would function at all without him. I wanted to thank all of those who knew and were so very supportive. You always hear that it gets easier with time, that eventually you will be able to breathe again. I wish that I could just fast forward to that. I was there when my Dad died and while it is something that haunts me when I try to sleep, seeing his sightless eyes, I wouldn't give it up. I will fiercely latch on to any memories that I have and never give them up. I love him and will always love him. I will always be glad that I was able to hold his hand and tell him how much I loved him and let him know how much I will miss him as he left us behind. Trying to pick up all the pieces when he has gone has proved daunting for everyone in my family. I didn't know that I was a lot like him until I heard it from everyone who knew him in life. I also didn't know that the role he played would fall into my hands. I don't think I measure up to him in any way. I have decided to do the best that I can by him and try to fill his shoes, he was the love and heart that held my world together. Even though I feel shattered and bleeding, I can only think of how much worse it must be for my Mom. They were married for 35 years, and while they had their problems in the last few they really cemented back together. I will be there for her when she needs me, and most likely when she is sick of me she wont be able to chase me off. I am unspeakably happy to have had him as long as I did. I am sorry about a lot of the way I behaved towards him, and I think will regret much for the rest of my life. I talked to so many people that he touched and loved, that I never knew about. I can't believe how much I didn't know about him. It still blows my mind. Everyone knew who I was because he would tell them about me. I didn't know he held me in such high regard until I heard it from others. I didn't know that he showed me off to everyone he met. God I miss him.

Well it has been a while since I have been online. So all the news you get now. Well things with the job hunt are going well... so far I have 3 jobs... now I have to figure out which I will keep and which I wont. On the not so good front is my Dad. He went into the hospital about a month ago and has had many problems since. He is now in the ICU in critical condition. They have cut him open from chest to groin and are leaving him that way so they can just take him to the operating room and take organs that die out easier. They think he may have brain damage and are testing him for that right now. Everyone is unsure what is going to happen next. I have talked to everyone, all the doctors and nurses and they all said he is the most complicated patient they have ever had and can't even make a guess if he will recover. He has massive infections in his body that keep killing things and the blood flow isn't good and that is killing things too. I have no idea what to do. For the mean time I have told everywhere that I work I am not coming back for a while and don't know when I can. Sorry for the bad news when it looks like everyone is doing well. I just needed someone to talk to and this seemed the easiest way. Oh and to top it all off... I have an infection in my colon, and let me tell you how much fun that is! I didn't really think that could happen but I guess why not? Oh and happy birthday to me tomorrow. Sorry I am a little weird right now.

Haiku2 for juleskelley
some really strange girl who can't cope with the world on vacation
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Created by Grahame

What Be Your Nerd Type? Your Result: Musician   Doo doo de doo waaaa doo de doo! (<-- That's you playing something.) Everyone appreciates the band/orchestra geeks and the pretty voices. Whether you sing in the choir, participate in a school/local band, or sit at home writing music, you contribute a joy to society that everyone can agree on. Yay! Welcome to actually doing something for poor, pathetic human souls. (Just kidding.)
Anime Nerd
Literature Nerd
Drama Nerd
Artistic Nerd
Gamer/Computer Nerd
Science/Math Nerd
Social Nerd
What Be Your Nerd Type? Quizzes for MySpace

So I was wondering what everyone believed in... So I thought that I would ask... Are you atheist? Believe in God? Believe in something other than God? Have no idea what you believe?



I think that I have no idea what I believe anymore.

So after the months and months of searching I am actually going to job interviews all week. I think that all the time that I have had to just sit around is at an end, and now I am strangely really scared about leaving and going back into the real world. Like take right now... I should be in bed asleep, so I can actually look ok tomorrow at my interview, let alone showing some sort of chipperness (Not a real word, but damn it, it is the word I want!). But no. I am awake and nervous and I think that I am having an anxiety attack. What the hell is wrong with me?! I used to love having a job. Money, I mean who doesn't want some?! I have had to be so creative on meal planning that I have come up with the strangest of dishes, just because I have to try and make things out of nothing. We can't ever go shopping. I have only one pair of jeans. We are sad and pathetic and I know that I must have a job to improve our quality of life, but it still isn't making it any easier for me to not be all jittery and weird. I hate this. I want to be asleep! I want to want a job! I want to not be some really strange girl who can't cope with the world. So I guess this is me taking my first step to get myself over my problems... yay job interviews... um... yay. Sorry everyone for this post is as sad as it is blah.

Sunday, February 25, 2007
Gemini (May 21 - Jun 20)
You might resist doing any inner work now by filling your day with lots of social engagements. It's great to be with your friends, but don't use activity as a distraction from delving into your hidden motives. Create quiet time so you can pay attention to your dreams, for they can contain important messages about your future.

Even my sign is betraying me!

And because reading everyones posts makes me think...

I was just reading what everyone is doing with their lives and I started to feel really lame and useless. I don't have a job and I am not going to school, and I have no idea what I want to be. I was awake at 3am and reading about everyone... which is something that I really like to do because I never see anyone... which is completely my own fault and I know it... when Adam got up for no reason to come see how I was doing. So when he came in I told him what was going on and he said something that is so simple that I always over look it.. it's not too late to be everything that I want to be. I don't really know why I am posting this, just reading it sounds boring and like no one would really care to read it... but I am because I have got to stop thinking that I don't matter, because I do. I think that I am the only one who thinks that I don't really matter and that is something that I will have to work on, as Adam pointed out, I have all the time I want to make myself a better person and accomplish a lot in my life... so why not start now? I feel lonely a lot too... which is something else that I have done to myself. I feel like I have no close friends, and no one needs me. Then Adam walked in and he needs me, and that helped a lot. I have to make myself available for people to need, and want to get close to. So if anyone has any thoughts that they want to share let me hear them. If anyone wants to hang out let me know (I seem to have a lot of free time on my hands right now). And any recommendations that people have on making yourself feel better let me know. I think that is all I am going to post for now, and having read Cathy's post I am now going to do something that I haven't done in a long time... I am going to write in my journal... it is something that I always used to enjoy doing and don't know why I have stopped. Sorry for the lack-luster post. And this is going to sound lame... but you all matter to me... just so you know.